Damn. I'm so sick of it. I honestly am. I'm exaggerating, but honestly, I want to be some where else. Somewhere where you can say something and you won't be critisized for it. Is that too much to ask for,then? I don't like this place. There are too many rules and regulations I have to follow. I'm sick of it. I know a lot of people out there will be thinking " This girl is crazy, she's safe, her country is peaceful, she's able to get an education..." But what if I don't want all this...I'd trade my place with someone else. I want to try some thing new. I feel caged here. Not the type of people stuck in their houses, forced to stay inside. But I want to be elsewhere. Somewhere where saying something odd or absurd is accepted. I don't feel very comfortable saying this in front of all my friends, since I know you guys can read it, but I don't care. I always don't, don't I? Its not because I want to be in another country ( some of my friends would know what I mean) but its the fact that I feel I'm missing something important. Like there's somewhere I'm supposed to be but I'm not there, I'm missing it. It gives me a sick feeling deep down. I've always hated this feeling. Ever since I was really young, like five or six, I used to get this same feeling when I had to be at a party or some gathering thing and I was missing it because of some swimming lessons or studying or something along those lines. And I detested the thought. I had to do everything to get it off my mind. But the feeling's been coming back ten-fold, and I can't stand it. I've already told somebody, it made me feel slightly better, but I can't help it now because sometimes, I find myself unconciously staring off ( its a known habit of mine, but this time I mean it.) and just staring at an object that my mind isn't focusing on. And then my eyes will start stinging and I'll cry for no reason. Its just this weird thing...I feel really depressed, even though I honestly have no idea what I'm depressed over. And, no, I'm not stressed, who in their right mind would be stressed by work or studies during a two-month holiday. Ok, so a few people would, but you get the idea. I just find myself staring out the window...I have a pretty big one, and the view is quite nice...but every time I do so, I feel worse. It makes me sick just looking out, because if I do, I see the horizon of those buildings out there, and although its not the sea, and it's not that beautiful, I get an awful feeling...like I've explained before, its like I belong somewhere else, but I'm not there. I don't belong here. I honestly don't. Its not a matter of fitting in, or belonging someplace, because I have no problems doing that, but I just don't belong here. Its a tough thing to explain. I've been told I'm a very deep thinker, and when I begin to immerse myself in these kind of thoughts, not many people can understand me. But some do, and I have to thank them for that, because they help me through certain situations. But not all situations can be thrown to one side and forgotten or be solved by others. Sometimes I have to do it on my own. Its not like I have a choice - and everybody will have at least one or two scenarios in life where it happens.And it just happens. I'm not making sense to some people, and I have no intention of doing so. I apologise, but it doesn't change anything. I just feel drained nowadays. I can't say I'm putting up a facade anymore, because I'm not, I don't try to hide anything. Sure, there are times when I feel so happy that everything seems perfect, and I'm very grateful for those moments, but nothing lasts forever, and I'm sick of people giving shit excuses and putting their names as something melodramatic and depressing when you can tell they aren't at all. I used to do that, and I admit it, I'm not going to deny anything, but now it just disgusts me when I see all these fake names and "walls" people put up just to get attention. Its exactly the same as drawing up a weak sob story and feeding it to someone to gain sympathy. I'm not going to mention names, but even when I see names with stuff involving love...sorry, but reality check - we're all less that three quarters of a two decades old. What the hell would we know about love?! People twice our age, our even more, are still searching for it, and some of us can come out and pretend that we know every thing about it? What, so a handful of some of us there may have been "dumped" by a significant other or something, but sincerely, one of you wannabes out there, tell me, what do really know about hope, love, death, break-ups, dating, and missing somebody? Okay, so the last category can be counted, but what about the rest? How many people of our age group have literally been dumped before? And the so-called "pain" you get after that? That's going to be nothing compared to the kind of relationship problems most of us will have when we grow older. And the depression stage I'm going through right now will probably be nothing to me in five years, give or take. I'm a hypocrite, and I admit that. But I fully draw the line at a certain stage of pretending, and saying all this will probably not help me, but screw it. I'm sick of this false shit and all the crap people hurl at each other every moment, even if the other party doesn't realise it. Life is just life, and I have to go along with it, but I'm still bitching about everything here. So, excuse me, okay, if a few days later, when I'm feeling happier, I talk to one of you again. I won't be the same person. I change everyday, and a lot of you do too. I'm never going to be the same person twice, and I don't care. I just have to take life as it comes, because no matter what shit I get, its nothing compared to what some people get. I know that some of us may not think the same way, but this is what I feel. I mean, you can be at your lowest, and you can think that nothing is worse than what you're going through at that current period of time, and I've been through that stage and back too, and its hell, but there always will be somebody out there, in the exact same place that you are. They say everybody is unique. Its true, but what some people go through out there, can be exactly the same as what other people may be going through halfway across the globe, or even right next to your door. I'm going too deep into my thinking again, and if I offend everybody with my reasoning, then I sincerely apologise to you in advance. You don't have to read this, and I'm sorry if you did and you're now angry or upset and will probably never speak to me again, but these words are coming from me, not from you, and I can choose to say whatever I wish to say. Nobody has to correct anybody. And I certainly don't have to correct anybody else any longer. I strayed off my original topic, and I know this is a little angsty, and I really am sorry if I have insulted you. I still admit that I do not feel like I belong to this country, and I belong somewhere else... but the problem is I have yet to find the place where I really feel like I belong. Not physically, but more emotionally. I just don't belong here. This phrase is very cliched, but I know if fits the scenario right now. I cry more than three times each day, and its just meaningless crying. I can sit on my chair for a few seconds and tears will already leak out. I know it isn't PMS or whatever, I'm not having mood swings, and no, like I said before, I'm not depressed. I just don't fit in here. This is going to be a very long post...because all the thinking I've been doing for more than a month is just flowing out, and I know a lot of people will think I'm a hypocrite, and I am, you don't have to prove yourself wrong, but this is what I feel, and my thoughts, as I've mentioned before, can run very deep. I know I can be like the rest at times, and I can get very personal and outspoken, that's why I've hurt some people before, but I try not to anymore. The person typing this out will be different from the one going back to school next year who will be happy, as usual, and laughing madly. I can't help it. I cannot be the person I am here. The inner demon I have is serious and hateful, but the person on the other side is the total opposite. Which is why you people may think I am full of bullshit and hypocritical because I do the exact opposite of what I say here, but I'm just divided, and its not something that can be changed or helped. Very sorry for being pessimistic. I'm a person based my feelings and moods (as a lot of my friends know). I can be very nice one moment and I can be the evil woman seeking revenge the next. Sorry. -_-